I’m listening to Kevin Trudeau about the Training Balance Scale and Teachability Index and I had a sudden realization. I’ve always had very high willingness to learn and and at different times a very high willingness to change. Something is different now.
I came to the realization that I have held some shame around my very strong desire to learn, grow and change.
I remembered a conversation I had with a trusted friend, many years ago. He thought my constant pursuit of growth, learning and change was a weakness. In fact, I can remember the exact conversation. We were at a golf driving range and afterward were talking about life and I was sharing the things I was working on in my business. He said, “What is with you and this need for learning and change?”
Although I never let him know, I felt shamed and made wrong. I felt misunderstood and began to wonder if there was something “wrong” with me? After all, this was a man I respected. We had spent years together supporting one another. I had never felt anything but acceptance and support from him, until that moment.
He was questioning the validity of something that was near and dear to me. As I look back, our relationship was never the same thereafter. I was never the same either.
I attempted to explain how I felt. I shared with him a conversation I had with my father many years before. A few months before my father died, I had a pivotal conversation that would shape the rest of my life.
Dad suggested that I needed to “learn how to learn”. I never forgot that conversation and this idea of “learn how to learn”. It was a very profound conversation and one of the last truly meaningful conversations I had before he died suddenly. Admittedly, I hung onto my fathers memory and specifically, that conversation. Upon reflection, “learning to learn” has been a significant theme in my life. It has helped me on many, many levels.
Lately, I’ve been noticing that somehow I’ve been kind of stuck and haven’t been willing to change. Although, as little as a few days ago if you had suggested I had a low willingness to change, I’d have probably argued the opposite. What I hadn’t considered were the limiting beliefs and resistance that sat just below the surface of my awareness.
My drive to learn was high, however, if I tell the truth, my willingness to change was low. Why is that? I’m still attempting to dig through and gain some insight. Today, I sense there are some limiting beliefs and fear holding me back from being willing to change.
To be fair, I am recovering from pneumonia and I need to be gentle with myself. I tend to drive myself to the breaking and point of exhaustion. I need to change that and therefore I am going to be gentle with myself.
I am going to keep an eye on my motions, thoughts and feelings. Be an active observer over the next few weeks and see what I can discover about myself.